1 In the Lord I take refuge. How then can you say to me:
       "Flee like a bird to your mountain.

 2 For look, the wicked bend their bows;
       they set their arrows against the strings
       to shoot from the shadows
       at the upright in heart.

 3 When the foundations are being destroyed,
       what can the righteous do ?"

 4 The LORD is in his holy temple;
       the LORD is on his heavenly throne.
       He observes the sons of men;
       his eyes examine them.

Psalms 11:1-4

      This passage struck me hard this morning.  This is truth. The wicked bend their bows. And they do set the strings to shoot from the shadows at the upright. Foundations are crumbling, and it says... what can the righteous possibly do? but then it goes on to say... But the LORD observes the sons of men...his eyes examine them. The Lord examines my heart as well as my enemies hearts. So what does he see? The point is not that aarows are knocking down our walls... the point is what is in our hearts. Why do we let these walls be knocked down? And  why are these walls so important to us? The Lord examins everyone's heart. And praise God that he does. ... especially when we are desperate for someone to see all of us. And just think that the person who loves us the most, that is faithful, that is truth, and that is LIFE is the one examining us, rather than people who spread lies... and break hearts. Thank you Jesus for examining my heart. Even when my foundation crumbles, and the aarows do not stop. You see my heart! And thats what I live for. So strengthen me for this day. Give me your shield and protect my heart from this world. The war is raging, people are dying, and the wicked wont stop....

but...

you examine my heart.

     Life is a crazy story that few really undertand I suppose. It's something so... destined for failure., so destined for regret, but somehow, the heart of Christ gets woven into everday. Woven into our actions, and woven into our hopes, and woven into our desperation...

I got a phone call the other day, my friend on the other end of the line. I was told about a party that was going down on St. Pattys night. They knew I didnt party. All my friends knew it. I was a bit confused on why they wanted me to come because they knew where I stood on the subject. My first reaction was to push off the request like a good little christian. God doesnt want me to go to a place where there was going to be sin. Sin in a bottle. Sin in smoke. Sin in.... my friends.

my friend echoed on the other line... "So...can I pick you up or what?"

I closed my eyes. Something great was then impounded into my heart... Its like I could feel the trust of the Lord begin to overtake me.  He knew where my temptations and my convictions laid. At his feet. I began to feel empowered. As if he was telling me to go. To step out. To...be there. WHAT? Lord...no........ you couldnt possibly want me to show up at a place like that. I knew all these kids really well...but man, i cant go to a place where theyre gonna party. Thats insane. Im a christian. But....wow, Im sent to go. (Please dont get me wrong, Im not saying its a good thing to show up at parties. Im not saying its okay to be around it. Im not handing you an alibi to use next time you want to flirt around sin. This is not what it is. And my actions that night, were later shown to the effect of someones soul.)

"Yeah.. that'd be cool if you could give me a ride," I said, " But just know I have other purposes of going. Im not indulging in anything I believe is wrong."

"Yeah, we know ya Soph... dont worry."

I hung up the phone, and opened my bible to  Luke 8. " When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. ....

.... Then Jesus turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she  has poured perfume on my feet"...

Jesus goes on to talk about because of her beautiful gift, the woman will not be forgotten... she is forgiven because she loved. Her faith had saved her.

That perfume was so expensive...and by the words eyes, it was completely wasted..poured out over  a man's feet. So many people have told me its a waste... so many people have said Im pouring out my whole life in all of its "experiences" and its "fun" over a cause thats not worth fighting for. .. Let me tell you something,.... that woman was saved by her love for one thing. She could have used that perfume to make herself smell beautiful... she could have used it to dress up and put herself off as absolutely intoxicating. She could have sold it for money... she could have traded it for herself... but she didnt. She poured it all over the Master's feet. She gave everything. And so this is what I'll tell you.. I understand that I have alot to offer this world, and Im aware that the world has alot to offer me, I know that this world can use my body. I know that I could have a guy tell me Im beautiful, and fall for his charm. I know that I could take something in that would impair my mind and my motives just to make me feel good. I know I have the power to live how I want, and I know theres alot of people that want me to do it. But this.. this you see, is my perfume. This is my alabaster jar. I choose to pour it all over the feet of Jesus. Leaving nothing that could "benefit" me.. leaving nothing that would make me smell good.

I got up off my wooden bedroom floor, my faced lined with red marks from laying in his presence. I turned off my music, rinsed my face off with water, slipped on my shoes, and went to go wait outside for my friend to pick me up. When he got to my house, I jumped in his car and we sped off into the night. It was 11:15 pm, and I just knew the whole city was out doing no good. You could taste it in the air. The whole drive i couldnt stop smiling. The joy in my heart was almost too much to handle. I felt like there was a river in my stomach...and everywhere I went it was leaking out of me. Spilling over me. Rushing through me. When we got close to my other friends house, we parked about a block away so no neighbors wouldn't suspect there was a party in that particular area. We both got out of the car and began to walk down the long sidewalk till we got to the house. The whole way my heart was beating in my chest. Love began to overtake me. I could hear the tension in my heart. I was about to walk into Satan's playground... ......me. A small girl. I was going to go where angels feared to tread.  When we got to the door my one of the boys who I knew from school, openned the door for us to enter. As I stepped across the threashold the smell of marijana and alchohal hit me like a wave. I squinted my eyes. I felt victory setting in. I felt bold. I felt....fire. All at once my heart broke for the lost. I heard them scream again.... I heard their chains. I thought to myself... tonight is a night of war, And my sword is sharp... I walked more steps into the house, my battle was set before me....

     "Man, I'm sicker than a dog..." Chris said as he rested his head back against the wall at work. I looked at him with empathy, I know he didn't want to be working this late.. he was really tired. He sat up and took another long drag from his cigarette. "Ha, but never too sick to smoke."

"Why do you smoke when youre sick?" I asked him.

"Because it makes me feel good."

    How many times are we so overwhelmed by sickness that we accept "smoking" as a form of novacain? So often we are sick to our stomachs. Discouraged. Limping. Angry. Worn-out. Helpless. Dying... and we have to work.... We have to do things we dont want. At our weakest points its like suddenly all these things show up expecting you to do them. Work late. Be nice to your parents. Give a friend a ride somewhere. Go out of your way to help someone when you know youre not getting anything back from it.... and sometimes they dont even notice. Life demands our dicipline. And not just life... God does too. He desires our best-even when we're sick. Even when we think we arnt capable of it. Sometimes a long stretch of extra compassion or prayer...or work rings you out dry. Sometimes it makes you more angry...

So what do we run to when we are stuck with life demanding more than we can afford? Chris ran to something that made him feel good. "I'm never too sick to smoke..." The words kept ringing in my head. No matter how bad we get sometimes.... we candy-coat our problems with temorary high's. With plastic. With nothingness.... With FEELING. How are we ever going to grow, if everytime we feel helpless or sick, we turn to something caturing our feelings? That is not walking by faith- it is walking by how we feel. Temporary. Just enough to get you by. Cheap. A fake escape. Weakness. Undealt-with problems and pains.

Do we ever dare ourselves to take on the pain as Christ did? Even when we're sick?

When will we realize that sometimes we're too sick to "smoke"?

Its not gonna feel good.

Striving to bare it like He did. - Soph

Sometimes its hard to tell the difference between things that teach you, and things that just rip you apart. There are so many voices that we listen to each day... so many words flying through our head, so many lies, and so many whispers. Ive found myself easily making excuses for doing stupid things in order to say "well...good CAN come out of it... maybe I'll learn from it.."

What?

If I had anything to learn in the first place it would to not tell myself that. Its a pretty safe compromise. And what happens? Everytime I "learn" from the situation, its always the same lesson. REGRET. Its so funny sometimes how we know whats gonna happen, how we know were making excuses, how we know its wrong, but we do it anyways.  What lesson do we think we need to learn? Its hard to believe that Satan would put on a mask of temporary goodness just so he can appear in an attractive light so we can take the excuse to sin. Its like he's wearing a big boarded sign ( yea like the one that Bruce Willis wears in the third die hard movie  ) really big with fancy letters so you wont miss it.... a sign that reads... "HEY! ITS OK. THIS "AFFLICTION" IS HERE FOR YOU TO LEARN...ask God later to pick you back up.." Later? Affliction? Sounds like candy-coated garbage to me.. the truth is, if we really want it, we'll take just about any excuse that looks good to give us leaway to do it. Its like drinking poison. Its not gonna help a little bit. ITS MADE TO KILL YOU.. Its designed to melt your flesh while youre still breathing. .

Our minds can twist things till we dont see the sting in death anymore. When will people just see sin for sin? They can even feel themselves die... Satan just wants us so far away from the reality of the darkness... he knows of the little thoughts that pop into our heads that say ... "Hey..this is sin, it can hurt me, it can hurt my friends,... it will hurt God, what if I decided to confront this sin.. not just in my life, but in my friends life too.." Satan knows what to speak into our heads to make us stay silent... Its fightening. We are that much of a threat. And Sin is just that deadly. When we dont question it in our minds anymore, is when the battle starts to get bloody. So... for what purpose are you swinging swords for?

Embaressing sin for what it is, is extrememly dangerous. Ive found that I must confront it in my life first, and when that happens, the spirit in me confronts it in other people's lives too. I have a story.....

Last week after alot had went on... God really dug some stuff up in my life that I KNEW was there, but just chose not to do anything about them. It hurt. It stung... it scarred. I was sitting in Jewelry class at Northrop thinking about all that God had done for me. Some of the stuff that I had been struggling with for a while kept coming to mind. This girl who sits across from me was working on her work, and it seemed all of a sudden, a wave of spirit swept over me. I started to feel her hoplessness, I STARTED TO FEEL THE SAME SICKNESS IN HER THAT HAD BEEN IN ME. There was a reason she was sitting across from me this  day.

"Hey Courtney... how've ya been?"

" oh fine."

" Fine... thats good. ...but... really, are you okay.."

She looked up at me as if she had everything in the world to explain...  I knew right then, God wanted to speak to her. He wanted to use my mouth. This girl knows Im a Christian, and she used to come to Campus Life with me and different things. She trusted the Lord...but stuff just had gotten into her life...

Long story short, we went to the back of the class away from people talking and being loud, and we sat there for about an hour as she spilled her guts to me telling me everything that was going on. Her mascara ran down her face, and her makeup was splotchy all over. "I used to feel Him walk with me in the hallways Soph.. now i cant. I want to help others...but I dont even know how to help myself.." She explained to me that she felt there was a wall up...a huge brick wall that held her back. "Well," I said.. " We need to go about knocking it down now dont we.." She nodded her head. I asked her what she was doing that day, and if i could come by her house and hang with her and maybe pray.. She looked up at me again her eyes flowing with tears.. " No Soph.... I gotta knock it down now. Theres no next time." Something shook me inside. I looked past her to an old supplies walk-in storage room. "Lets pray in the closet."

We both went inside the closet and I layed hands on her as I began to pray. I felt the Lord put words in my mouth. I didnt know how to pray for her, but the Holy Spirit showed up and showed me how. We prayed for about ten minutes. The bell had rung and the next class was starting, but nobody bothered or noticed us. AS we prayed I felt a wave sweep over her. LIke heavy weights being lifted. I'll never forget the glow from her eyes as she looked up at me, her face puffy from sobbing. She was new. She was joyfull. She was clean. She had always had problems with her appearence and how she was needy of feeling beautiful, but man, with makeup all down her face and snot in her nose, was the most beautiful Ive ever seen her.

What can confronting sin do? ..like I said, its dangerous...

So... to answer my question, I suppose the only lesson learned from all of this affliction, and well.. SIN, is that, the only way to deal with it is Stake it to the ground and never let it stare you in the face again. Maybe not a lesson learned, but a battle fought. Its beautiful to know that my junk i confronted, was her ticket to stakeing hers to the ground as well. I cant wait to see the people she will reach.

NO excuses.

... thats all for now. Thanks for believing in me. : )   - Soph

I openned the door to my room quietly as i tip toed over to my bed trying not to make the floor boads creek.  I had just gotten off work, my feet hurt, i was hungry, and i just wanted to go to sleep. I gently laid my bags and things on my bed and then got dressed. My phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey.. a couple of us are gonna go to IHOP, u wanna go?"

"Uh, yea I guess, u wanna pick me up?... i just got off work i dont feel like driving."

"yea thats cool... ill be there in like fifteen.."

I closed my phone, and walked to the bathroom where i washed my face and brushed my hair. I love my friends, they're the world to me, but some of them really have no clue how often they are on God's mind... it was just another night... another night eating pancakes and laughing about old jokes from last summer. We are all there for eachother... but...  its funny really, how close to some people you can be, but they never let u know how much they bleed. I know it. They know it. and........we sit and eat pancakes. We go to school. We laugh. We cry. We watch movies... somethings missing. Something very desperate.

I walked back into my room and slipped into my shoes that were sitting by my dresser... and took a glance in the mirror. My eyes left my reflection as I clasped the door knob to make my way quietly downstairs...

I stopped... the doorknob still in my hand.

"Soph...who are you today?.. i haven't spoken to you..."

" I know that... Im so busy, i hate it."

Tears started to come to my eyes, as the reality sunk into my heart.

"You know, you can change the course of history tonight, with a couple of words.."

I knelt down onto my floor, and bowed my head. I felt guilty for not meeting with my Everything that morning...but i had to push past it, the past is the past..and i couldnt let my guilt take over just to run from it again. Words came to my mouth, and i felt the Holy Spirit release something in me. Time flew as i knelt there. I hear a honk come from outside.. I ignored it. I wasn't about to leave yet.. The Lord had something to say..He blessed me , and annointed me... and i was more greatful than ever that he would use a mess-up, and not throw me away.

I got up a few minutes later, and started to walk out the door, catching another glace at myself in the mirror; noticing that i looked a bit different since last time my eyes met with the silver glass....

I arrived downstairs, grabbed my phone, and walked out of the house, the door banging behind me. Walking over to my friends car, I pulled the handle, slipped inside, and shut the door with a slam.

 That night went well, we all ate pancakes, laughed, and... well... all i knew i was supposed to do was smile, and look at them as the holy spirit got to be close to them,.. because...heaven allowed for HIM to dwell in me. His pleasure was to BE NEXT TO THEM...even if they didn't know it. It broke my heart...

On the way back to my house, my friend and I talked about that night and how much fun it was... then as he pulled up in my driveway, he turned off the engine and sat back in his seat. He needed to say something... and immediately i felt the holy spirit begin to whisper. He looked at me kind of awkward, and began to state..

"Soph... uh.., dont get all excited and freak out or anything, I.. uh... just... kinda... OK. What would you say if I told you I wanted to go to church with you on Sunday?.. Please dont think youre converting me, but.. I dont know... I just feel like....well... um...yea."

I smiled.

"Yeah dude, thats cool. I understand..."

"Im kinda...scared. Even right now.. about alot of things, i think i need help, im sorry ive been so bullheaded about it in the past."

"Hey its alright, you know youre one of my best friends...hey.....can i pray with you?"

"Right now?..uh..yea sure.. i guess.."

I prayed with him. Jesus was in the car with us that night, ... it had changed my whole day. Just because I had prayed, God inturrupted my routine. Just by a few words. HE touched someone's life through me, I see them all the time. I made myself available...and he used me. IM so greatful that I can be that person to my friends. I know they wont forget it... and I cant wait for the day they understand how bad my Everything wants to be beside them... For loves sake. For His sake.

: ) until next sunday.... - Soph